Fuck this. I'm sick and I have to deal with a 5 year old climbing all over me. I can't yell at her and I have to play nice to please her parents and earn a bit of cash. I'm never going to have a child. If I do, I will do the following.
Materials I'll need:
(1) Child
(1) Basement
Step one: Raise child like you should until child is potty trained and can eat normal people food
Step two: Lock child in basement. Feed once per day, everyday. Make sure to give it a mix of the proper proteins and vitamins a growing child needs. The food does not have to taste pleasing in any way but must be digestible. Make sure to provide a place for the child to relieve itself. You do not want your basement reeking of feces. You will also need a place for the child to sleep. A pile of fresh hay every month will do the trick if you don't want to spend money on a mattress. Hay is also a good idea if you don't want friends and family to know you have a child that they never see.
Step three: After child has grown to proper age (anywhere from 11-15, depending on how ungrateful you think your child will be) release child from basement and only provide basic necessities for survival. Begin feeding child twice a day and homeschooling it. Child will be grateful for anything he/she receives until they are full grown and realize that they had a seriously fucked up childhood and go into therapy/mental institution. You don't have to worry about this as the child is no longer your responsibility and by this time you have fled to a small sub-country in Africa where you have become a missionary for Pastafarianism.
Fin.
